When Will Enough Be Enough?
This is not my first rodeo.
I've been, in one way or another, involved in the health and fitness industry for the past 5 years and I keep landing in the same mucky question: When will enough be enough?
5 years ago, fed up, confused, and not wanting unleash my crazy on my soon-to-be husband, I lost weight for what I thought was the final time. I didn't really 'diet', I just tried to lose weight really hard for several months with very little else to distract me and it worked. I kept it off for 4 years and lived a really balanced healthy lifestyle. But even when I was at the peak of my running and biking training, I still always had this subconscious desire to be smaller.
I remember one particular run: My saint of a husband took a photo for my blog at the time, and I looked at it and literally cried on my run. I mention this because I looked good. And then I cry/ran 4 miles like it was nothing. I was so healthy and fit and beautiful and I still wasn't "enough."
Fast forward 5 years and I found myself on another cry/run. Different city, significantly higher weight and lower mileage, but the same old struggle. Not happy with my body, yearning to be smaller, more petite and demur, less likely to inhale an entire box of Captain Crunch while my husband is at Walmart. Same old junk, different season. And I stopped mid-stride and said out loud. Enough.
This is not where I would have imagined I would be. After years of fitness blogging, sitting in my house in Kansas City, tired from church hunting for months, broke from gym hopping, weight gained, face broken out (in my late 20's- eye roll), the cat still living! But life happens y'all, and God-willing, it will keep happening. There is nothing in me that wants it to stop. Life is so precious and it's not slowing down because I am not at my "goal weight."
Enough with the self-imposed perfection standards. Enough with the glorifying skinny. Enough with negative self talk and obsessing over myself. Enough with the fad diets and 21 day programs (glory wave).
The point I am trying to make is I don't want these cry/runs to become a cycle in my life. I've been on the other side of what I thought would be enough and it wasn't. Being thin didn't make those thoughts go away, my life wasn't perfect and obviously my coping mechanisms are obviously still deeply dependent on butter. So when is enough going to be enough?
Short answer: now.
There is hope for me because there is always hope. Out of compassion for my body and in earnest desire to understand what it needs to be fully healthy, I am seeking wholeness and health from the inside out. Starting with getting my hormones tested and moving towards bringing the fullest me into all areas of my life, I am determined to let go.
I am saying F-it. I am going to learn and grow instead of starve and shrink. I am set on rolling around in this season of life, getting all the best bits soaked deep in my sou,l and letting the rotten parts roll off my back. I'll write about it here on this blog, in hopes that someone will read it and ditch their guilt in exchange for wholeness and acceptance in pursuit of the healthiest life for them.
Fingers tightly crossed and here we go, again.